How the hell do you do it? I never felt so fucking alone since I got out.
And he looks up at Steven with a startlingly clear desperation in his eyes, hoping that Steven has some kind of answer to make him feel better about this shit. About himself, maybe.
Oh God. He wanted Tyler to rely on him, but not like this. Not like he's the grand high guru of how to live with a diminished capacity for humanity. He just. Wanted Tyler to see him as a more experienced criminal, someone to listen to as a Rocket—not as someone who has answers on how to be this way, when Steven really fucking doesn't.
He thinks the high is definitely starting to wear off a little for him.
To start with, you need to remember that happiness doesn't necessarily need to rest upon people. Even if people were what *used* to make you happy.
Happiness can rest upon *things* too. Things and experiences.
Food still tastes good. Baths still feel nice. Owning shit you wanted to have? That feels good too.
That high we get from stealing people? From cutting loose? Build your happiness from *that*, Tyler. It's not what a good person does, but we're not good people. We both know that.
Also, I can tell you for a fucking fact that you don't have to give one single shit about someone to enjoy fucking them. Orgasms are still orgasms. Find someone who isn't looking for anything but an hour of fun and *get laid*.
If I've learned anything in these last six weeks with Jack, it's that it doesn't matter how I *should* be. I am how I am. So are you.
What you are now isn't *unnatural*, it's just rare. That's the other thing I learned. That I wasn't alone in being like this. I knew it theoretically, of course, but it's different than ever meeting other people like me.
You aren't alone either, Tyler, even if that's how you feel. I'm like this to some degree. So are Jack and Dirk. Lydia too, more than any of us but you, probably.
And... now that I know, you really don't have to pretend with me. I'm not going to judge you for it. I'm glad you told me. And I'll do the courtesy of not pretending with you either. Even if we're monsters, we can at least be honest ones. At least among each other.
He reclines back on the couch again as the replies roll in, breathing deeply and working his bottom lip with his teeth. That... it's all good advice, really.
When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was grow up and get married and have my own family. I always knew I was bi so I didn't know whether it was going to be with a guy or a girl but I always, like. I KNEW I'd just find a partner and settle down with them. It's hard having that ripped away.
He purses his lips, and hopes that Steven can pretend not to notice him rubbing his wet eyes with the heel of his palm.
I'll try things out, I guess. It's not like there's much else I can do now. Training my Pokemon doesn't exactly bring me joy but they all seem to enjoy it, so that won't hurt to keep up with properly. Oh, there's why he's never around in the evenings. Thanks.
"Oh Tyler," Steven murmurs under his breath as he reads the text, having previously noted and gone on to ignore Tyler's eye-rubbing. He bites his lip.
People like us can still have relationships and families, he types after a long moment. I don't know how it will work with someone like you, whose capacity for bonds isn't really there anymore, as opposed to someone like me or Jack, where it's just-- much harder for us than it is for normal people, but we can still do that whole... domestic family thing. Settling down with someone. They just-- have to be very understanding of our limitations. But there *are* people who are that understanding, even though they're otherwise normal, with a normal person's capabilities for bonds and caring about people. I *knew* one. If she hadn't been a girl and my sister besides...
Well. The other option is to settle down with someone like us. Which... is sort of what I'm doing with Jack. More or less, anyway. He knows how I am. I know how *he* is. For the most part, we don't expect things the other can't give, like the other's full attention after we end up rambling on for a while. But we still get companionship out of it. Someone around to enjoy those things and experiences with. Someone who'll laugh at things with us, even when they're things we probably shouldn't laugh at. And, you know, lots of sex.
It might be easier for the two of us, because we're working with a diminished capacity and not a virtually non-existent one... but I don't think it would be *impossible* for you, Tyler. Unlikely, if only because people like us are pretty thin on the ground. But not impossible.
The point is that people like us can still enjoy other people, even if we have trouble caring about them and forming emotional bonds. Enjoying people and caring about them are two wholly different things, just like sex and love are. You don't need to give a shit about someone to laugh together or get drunk together or game together.
Just... take my advice and don't ever get in an actual *relationship* with someone who *doesn't* know exactly what you are, okay? I speak from experience here. I did that for, God, a bit over two years and it wasn't worth it. You just end up playing a role for them for as long as the relationship lasts, doing your best to pretend that you really *are* normal for them, but even if they don't know that's what you're doing *specifically*, they will know that you're holding something back. And the moment they even get half an *idea* of what you're really like--
That's when it all explodes. I think 'cold, over-ambitious closet case' was about the nicest thing I got called.
So yeah. Unless you're lucky enough to have someone around who knows exactly what you are and isn't repulsed, just-- stick to fleeting hookups when it comes to sex. But if you ever do get that lucky, Tyler, don't discount it. Just-- maybe don't try for kids if the other person is like us?
Steven still doesn't know what happened with Jack and Angel. Steven only has Armin's vague hints to go by. But he knows that whatever happened, Jack probably did it.
(It was a bad idea for people like them to be the only ones taking care of a kid.)
And-- no problem. I'm actually glad if I can help? I know we're not actually friends the way we let everyone outside think we are because it's easier, but we're stuck together and I want to be able to work with you? And I want you to be happy or something approaching content, because it's easier to work with people who aren't miserable.
And also because he does like Tyler, even though Tyler confuses and frustrates him, but he's pretty fucking sure this is not the time to bring sentiment into things.
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fingersandteeth) wrote2022-02-21 05:11 pm
no subject
And he looks up at Steven with a startlingly clear desperation in his eyes, hoping that Steven has some kind of answer to make him feel better about this shit. About himself, maybe.
no subject
He thinks the high is definitely starting to wear off a little for him.
To start with, you need to remember that happiness doesn't necessarily need to rest upon people. Even if people were what *used* to make you happy.
Happiness can rest upon *things* too. Things and experiences.
Food still tastes good. Baths still feel nice. Owning shit you wanted to have? That feels good too.
That high we get from stealing people? From cutting loose? Build your happiness from *that*, Tyler. It's not what a good person does, but we're not good people. We both know that.
Also, I can tell you for a fucking fact that you don't have to give one single shit about someone to enjoy fucking them. Orgasms are still orgasms. Find someone who isn't looking for anything but an hour of fun and *get laid*.
If I've learned anything in these last six weeks with Jack, it's that it doesn't matter how I *should* be. I am how I am. So are you.
What you are now isn't *unnatural*, it's just rare. That's the other thing I learned. That I wasn't alone in being like this. I knew it theoretically, of course, but it's different than ever meeting other people like me.
You aren't alone either, Tyler, even if that's how you feel. I'm like this to some degree. So are Jack and Dirk. Lydia too, more than any of us but you, probably.
And... now that I know, you really don't have to pretend with me. I'm not going to judge you for it. I'm glad you told me. And I'll do the courtesy of not pretending with you either. Even if we're monsters, we can at least be honest ones. At least among each other.
no subject
When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was grow up and get married and have my own family. I always knew I was bi so I didn't know whether it was going to be with a guy or a girl but I always, like. I KNEW I'd just find a partner and settle down with them. It's hard having that ripped away.
He purses his lips, and hopes that Steven can pretend not to notice him rubbing his wet eyes with the heel of his palm.
I'll try things out, I guess. It's not like there's much else I can do now. Training my Pokemon doesn't exactly bring me joy but they all seem to enjoy it, so that won't hurt to keep up with properly. Oh, there's why he's never around in the evenings. Thanks.
no subject
People like us can still have relationships and families, he types after a long moment. I don't know how it will work with someone like you, whose capacity for bonds isn't really there anymore, as opposed to someone like me or Jack, where it's just-- much harder for us than it is for normal people, but we can still do that whole... domestic family thing. Settling down with someone. They just-- have to be very understanding of our limitations. But there *are* people who are that understanding, even though they're otherwise normal, with a normal person's capabilities for bonds and caring about people. I *knew* one. If she hadn't been a girl and my sister besides...
Well. The other option is to settle down with someone like us. Which... is sort of what I'm doing with Jack. More or less, anyway. He knows how I am. I know how *he* is. For the most part, we don't expect things the other can't give, like the other's full attention after we end up rambling on for a while. But we still get companionship out of it. Someone around to enjoy those things and experiences with. Someone who'll laugh at things with us, even when they're things we probably shouldn't laugh at. And, you know, lots of sex.
It might be easier for the two of us, because we're working with a diminished capacity and not a virtually non-existent one... but I don't think it would be *impossible* for you, Tyler. Unlikely, if only because people like us are pretty thin on the ground. But not impossible.
The point is that people like us can still enjoy other people, even if we have trouble caring about them and forming emotional bonds. Enjoying people and caring about them are two wholly different things, just like sex and love are. You don't need to give a shit about someone to laugh together or get drunk together or game together.
Just... take my advice and don't ever get in an actual *relationship* with someone who *doesn't* know exactly what you are, okay? I speak from experience here. I did that for, God, a bit over two years and it wasn't worth it. You just end up playing a role for them for as long as the relationship lasts, doing your best to pretend that you really *are* normal for them, but even if they don't know that's what you're doing *specifically*, they will know that you're holding something back. And the moment they even get half an *idea* of what you're really like--
That's when it all explodes. I think 'cold, over-ambitious closet case' was about the nicest thing I got called.
So yeah. Unless you're lucky enough to have someone around who knows exactly what you are and isn't repulsed, just-- stick to fleeting hookups when it comes to sex. But if you ever do get that lucky, Tyler, don't discount it. Just-- maybe don't try for kids if the other person is like us?
Steven still doesn't know what happened with Jack and Angel. Steven only has Armin's vague hints to go by. But he knows that whatever happened, Jack probably did it.
(It was a bad idea for people like them to be the only ones taking care of a kid.)
And-- no problem. I'm actually glad if I can help? I know we're not actually friends the way we let everyone outside think we are because it's easier, but we're stuck together and I want to be able to work with you? And I want you to be happy or something approaching content, because it's easier to work with people who aren't miserable.
And also because he does like Tyler, even though Tyler confuses and frustrates him, but he's pretty fucking sure this is not the time to bring sentiment into things.