Steven thinks about just-- not being able to care about Charley anymore. Or his parents or the rest of his extended family. His handful of actual friends from Before. He shivers. It's. Fuck. It's awful. He needs another hit.
He hates how familiar Tyler's words are.
He takes the joint back from Tyler.
I mean I'm not a COMPLETE sociopath or anything I DO care about my family and I can love people or at least I think I can but I have to get hella fucking invested in someone before I start to give a real shit at all about them so I spent my entire goddamn life before my Durance doing everything I could to make sure I would make those investments as many as I can out of sheer stubborn principle to maximize the number of people who'd be safe from me if I cracked
Because without putting in that goddamn investment everyone is nothing to me even people I've known for years hell most of the people I've fucked have been nothing to me just another warm body who wants what I want for an hour and when they're gone they're still just nothing
But god all that investment shit is exhausting and I think whatever I lost in El Pecador's basement is whatever DROVE me to fight back so hard because I hate to say it but I don't see the point to it anymore when once upon a time it was the most important goddamn thing just to fight back for the sake of fighting back and all those principles I had set for myself based on what people I knew with working morals believed don't really mean anything anymore either and I KNOW they did once I do
Fuck it used to bother me so much that I don't see the point to them anymore I just fucking did everything the Winter Court told me because at least someone was telling me what I had to do but it was just inertia you know there wasn't a POINT to going along with them it was just easier than not going along with them
I think maybe the things we lose from our Durances just don't ever come back and that's a fucking depressing thing to think about but the point is I guess if we know they aren't coming back then we just have to accept that
I have to accept that I don't see the point in protecting the world from me or adhering to any second-hand principles I might have had once and you have to accept that you just don't give a shit about people anymore at all
no subject
He hates how familiar Tyler's words are.
He takes the joint back from Tyler.
I mean I'm not a COMPLETE sociopath or anything I DO care about my family and I can love people or at least I think I can but I have to get hella fucking invested in someone before I start to give a real shit at all about them so I spent my entire goddamn life before my Durance doing everything I could to make sure I would make those investments as many as I can out of sheer stubborn principle to maximize the number of people who'd be safe from me if I cracked
Because without putting in that goddamn investment everyone is nothing to me even people I've known for years hell most of the people I've fucked have been nothing to me just another warm body who wants what I want for an hour and when they're gone they're still just nothing
But god all that investment shit is exhausting and I think whatever I lost in El Pecador's basement is whatever DROVE me to fight back so hard because I hate to say it but I don't see the point to it anymore when once upon a time it was the most important goddamn thing just to fight back for the sake of fighting back and all those principles I had set for myself based on what people I knew with working morals believed don't really mean anything anymore either and I KNOW they did once I do
Fuck it used to bother me so much that I don't see the point to them anymore I just fucking did everything the Winter Court told me because at least someone was telling me what I had to do but it was just inertia you know there wasn't a POINT to going along with them it was just easier than not going along with them
I think maybe the things we lose from our Durances just don't ever come back and that's a fucking depressing thing to think about but the point is I guess if we know they aren't coming back then we just have to accept that
I have to accept that I don't see the point in protecting the world from me or adhering to any second-hand principles I might have had once and you have to accept that you just don't give a shit about people anymore at all
Then fuck I don't know we move beyond it